Friends offered to keep our kids today so that Jason and I could have some time to ourselves - to talk, plan, find an outfit that we hope to bring Elliana home in.
Originally, we planned to use part of the day to work through our birth plan. I realized yesterday (one of my harder days) that many of my tears were just anxiety over doing this birth plan. It dawned on me - why not try to get the birth plan done earlier? Maybe after the kids went to bed? So, that's what we did. Once the kids were in bed, we pulled out the 2-page front-and-back form, and started working through it.
It helped SO MUCH to know that we'd have today together to 'process' (once again, I hate that word - just feels so... clinical) the decisions we'd made. And there were many. Do we want her heart monitored during c-section prep? Do we want to know if her heart stops prior to delivery? Who will cut the cord? What measures, if any, do we want taken? Who do we want present at her birth (they actually allow more people in the operating room in circumstances like this)? Do we want siblings to see her right away? Who else do we want to be able to meet her in her first hour or two of life?
And then the worst questions.
Do we already have a funeral home picked.
What keepsake items would we like for the hospital staff to put together for us.
For some reason, I can't put question marks at the end of those questions. I have no idea why.
We were able to answer most questions last night. With many tears, and much hesitation putting the pen to the paper. When it came time to mark the option for what measures we want taken, neither of us could do it. We were basically signing a DNR. 'Do not resuscitate our daughter if she stops breathing.' I don't think I have ever felt that kind of agony over putting a check mark in a box. Jason had to do it.
There are still a couple of questions on that form that don't have an answer. But we felt ok about leaving them blank for now. We can think on those questions a little longer.
Completing the majority of that form took some of the burden away. I slept better. Thinking about my day alone with Jason didn't feel nearly so... full of dread.
So today, our goal was to find a 'coming home outfit' for Elliana, and to try to find a couple other gowns for her. Not knowing if she will live hours, days, or weeks, makes it difficult to know how to prepare. But I definitely want to have a few infant gowns (pink, of course) for her to wear in the hospital.
Our first planned stop was a consignment sale. I love consignment sales. I can easily spend under $80 total (on half-price days) on seasonal clothing for all of our children, and be reasonably stocked for the season. I have struggled with whether or not to look for clothing for Elliana at a consignment sale - not sure why. But last night, I came to the conclusion that I really don't care if her clothing is brand new or second-hand. I have bought newborn clothing for all of our kids at consignment sales, and it is no less significant to me just because it's not brand new. So to the consignment sale we went.
But on the way... we ran across a couple yard sales. :-) We don't remember the last time we were able to go yard-saling without children. Between the yard sales and half-price day at the consignment sale, we spent $28.25 - total. It's been so long since I was this excited about something, that I took pictures so that I could post them and share the joy. Ridiculous, I know.
Melissa has just gotten a brand new wardrobe for school, thanks to the school dress code. So I refrained from spending any money on more clothes for her. BUT... we did find her a new backpack. She's required to have a full-size backpack, and the one she's been using is gray and orange. Not Missy-ish at all. Here's our sparkly yard sale find for her...
At the same yard sale, I found a Vera Bradley purse for me. $2! I was really excited. Still am.
Next yard sale, just a few things for Seth...
And then at the consignment sale, we found several shirts for Levi...
2 pairs of jeans, 1 pair of camo cargos, 2 school shirts, 1 t-shirt, and 1 hoodie for Elijah...
AND... a few things for Elliana.
After leaving the consignment sale, I asked Jason if now he understood my addiction to half price day, since he's never gone with me before. He just laughed.
After lunch, we tackled the 'coming home outfit' goal. Started at Babies R Us. I've been avoiding that place for weeks. We didn't find what we were looking for. We tried to talk through what to do about a car seat. Our infant car seats are expired. Didn't make any decisions about that today.
No luck at JCPenney's or Baby Gap. I was waiting for that just-right outfit. And I think we found it at The Children's Place. Not ready to post a picture of it yet. I would love to share that for the very first time on the day we bring her home.
Please, Father, let us bring her home.
At this particular moment, I'm 'journalling' while Jason is watching a football game. Many nights while we're just sitting on the couch, engaged in the drama of someone else's life (or a football game), Jason will leave his hand on my tummy, just to feel Elliana kick. He's certain that she is all about some football, and that she kicks more when a game is on. I think he's insane. :-)
Such hard questions. I've answered questions I didn't even know existed, as I'm sure you have too.
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