Last Friday was our last appointment at Kids Path. Levi's been 'done' for a while. Elijah 'graduated' last Friday.
It was probably harder for me than any of the kids. Almost exactly one year ago, I was sitting in one of those rooms to the right side of the hall, signing our birth plan, unaware that my baby girl would be in my arms in just a little over a week.
So when I left Kids Path last Friday, I was a bit of a mess. Thinking about the birth plan we'd made. The day shortly after that when a friend came to help me clean. The Sunday I suspected my water had 'broken'. The week in the hospital. The day she was born. The moment I held her. The moment the nurse shook her head, confirming that her heart wasn't beating anymore. The moment Funeral Home Man took her away.
All of those memories - from the time I pulled out of the Kids Path parking lot until I was somewhere on Business 85.
And I just missed her. I just wanted her back. I just wanted to hold her again.
And then.. for the first time, this thought came into my mind: I will hold her again. One day.
I've known this. Since... well, since the day we found out that she probably wouldn't live very long. I've known it. But last Friday was the first time that thought found its way into my grief.
But... 'one day' feels So. Far. Away. Years away. Decades away.
Do you know how long one day feels when you can't hold your baby?
I just miss her.
There is a degree of 'comfort' in knowing I will hold her again one day. But it feels like a really long way off. And i just miss her.
I want her here. Now. I don't want to wait for eternity, whenever that is. I want her here now.
I just miss her.
Just wanted you to know, Shannon, that you have been on my heart and in my prayers. I am recalling with you what day tomorrow is. The dreaded October which ushers in the dreaded anniversary. Just remember that God never leaves you alone. He Himself grieves with you and He also has many, many believers carrying you through prayer. So good to hear a glimmer of hope in your post. If there was only a cure for missing somebody grief wouldn't be so hard. I know, bloggy friend, exactly what you are saying and I am so glad that you are still writing. It makes me realize that I am not insane and alone:))
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