Flashbacks

I don't know what else to call them.

The grief counselor I've been seeing calls them 'painful emotional memories' (I think).  That doesn't feel like a strong enough phrase.  And 'flashback' doesn't seem like a strong enough word.  One thing I've learned through grief counseling is that the brain 'maps' things differently under traumatic circumstances.  It helps to understand that, to a degree - at least I know why I have such vivid memories between July 3, 2012 and October 17, 2012.

One vivid memory came back tonight.

This may require a TMI 'warning'.  Although, it's not, like, anything explicit.  Just...  personal.  On a scale of 1-10 ('1' being safe for all audiences, and '10' being really, truly TMI), I'd give this a 5 or 6, I think.

I have a really weird pregnancy symptom.  I've experienced it with Levi, Seth, the twins, and Elliana.  Direct heat exposure to my face, either from opening the oven or hot water from the shower head, makes my sinuses hurt.

It's weird.  I've never heard of anyone else experiencing that.

But it only happens when I'm pregnant.  So I'm certain that it's a 'symptom' of pregnancy.

I remember the first shower I had after Elliana was born.  Sunday afternoon, October 7, 2012.  We had a couple visitors in the hospital early that Sunday afternoon, and then I took a shower before more visitors arrived.

I didn't care about taking a shower.  I really didn't care about anything that day.

But I took one.  I remember it very clearly.  I remember the moment that I let the hot water fall on my face.  I remember my sinuses not hurting.  I remember cupping my hands and filling them with the hot water, splashing it on my face, over and over.  And over.  And my sinuses didn't hurt anymore.  I remember crying.  Sobbing in the shower.

She was gone.

It's been unusually cold today.  August 17 - my Seth's 3rd birthday.  The high today was sixty-something.  Unheard of in August.  Maybe it was the coolness of the day - the 'chill' in the house - that brought that memory back so vividly when I took a shower and splashed the hot water on my face this evening.

Occasionally, I catch a glimpse of my stretch-mark-scarred tummy.  After Seth was born, I had the most bizarre-looking scar.  It reminded me of a tiara.  And as silly as it may sound, I like to think of the tiara scar as a foreshadowing to my baby girl.  :-)  My belly button was the sort of half-moon shaped 'crown', and there were four stretch-mark scars above it that made it look like a picture of a tiara.  (I know - it's weird.)  But since Elliana was born, the scars have changed.  The tiara is gone.  The scars aren't quite so obvious now.

I miss her.  I miss the ache in my sinuses.  I miss the scars.

I just miss her.