26 weeks, 5 days

Fear, sorrow, tears - and today, anger.

Our family has been dealing with a nasty virus for the past 2 weeks.  I can't decide for sure if what I was sick with last week is the same thing that my littlest boys and Jason have been fighting, but for now, I'll assume that it was.  It has knocked 4 of us out for several days.

I was sort of angry that I got sick.  I think I said before that it feels like being that ill was just 'adding insult to injury'.  But Jason getting sick has really made me angry.  It's interesting how I haven't felt much anger towards God over Elliana - confusion, sadness, not understand AT ALL - but not really anger. 

I'm angry this morning.

Jason has been home the past 2 days - sick in bed.  And he really should have stayed home today.  He feels awful.  He accrues vacation hours (no sick time) throughout the year, and as of today, he has none left.  We may actually be 4 hours in the hole. 

The written word can not come close to expressing the degree of anger and sadness I'm feeling right now.  Why did God let him get sick?  In the middle of the week?  Why couldn't it have been during this 3-day weekend coming up?   God knows what we're going to face at the end of November.  I needed the 'security' that a stockpile of vacation hours gave me.  It feels like that rug of security has just been snatched from under my feet.  Is this some attempt on God's part to get my attention? 

I just can't even go there this morning.  Too angry and upset.

Yesterday, I met with the lady from Kids Path.  I cried through most of it - started as soon as I pulled into a parking space.  She was kind and understanding, but it's so difficult to talk about Elliana's birth day.  To think about what that day will be like, what her first cry will sound like, what her face will look like.

I told Jason last night that each appointment, each step we take, makes it feel more real.  This is actually going to happen.  In about 12 weeks.  And it's coming too fast.

I'd really like to insert a very ugly word right here.  Because I do not want to acknowledge the other side to something I wrote a few paragraphs ago. 

God knows.

Makes me so angry.  But I know - somewhere in the roots of everything I know to be true about God - if I'd let it, that statement, 'God knows', would comfort me, too.